I am sitting in the Three Cees waiting area watching our swagger wagon get shampooed. I volunteered to do this because I knew it would be a decent amount of uninterrupted time. Time to think about the sinking feeling I got when I saw a couple walk into a restaurant with their newborn twin girls. How it took me back to the double car seats and I began wondering how we made it through those first months. I look at this minivan and am reminded how ridiculous I looked test driving it while 5 months pregnant. I wanted time on my own to not have to listen to Leena talk about how one of her twin cousins has a distinctive cry. I wanted to be away from listening to how she was bummed she would be missing the first volleyball game of the season because of the May 4th event (she wants to be at the May 4th event but there will always be a sense of...let's call it stepmotherness. I also wanted to be alone to confirm with myself that I am at a place in my life where I don't have the mental capacity to deal with negativity. There is no undercurrent in that statement. I think it is fairly obvious I am genuine in what comes out of my mouth and I will say what is on my mind, to a fault. My point is, I got married at 31 to a divorced man with a child. To say that my father was a bit concerned when I let my father know about Aamir is an understatement. Oh, and I wasn't the one who let him know, that would be my eldest brother, because, well, it was easier to let him do the "dirty" work. Leena is my daughter and I can't imagine my life without her. That being said, it is an ever evolving learning process for me and us as a family. I am mad proud of myself, I am almost 40 and I can finally give myself some props and realize that...fuck it, I have been through hell and still am going through and I am alright taking care of my own sanity. Yes, that is the first time I have used naughty language on my blog, whatcha gonna do about it? I am not calling being a stepmother hell...I am calling the process of handling others not realizing what goes into being a stepmother frustrating. I am also done with the absurdity and immaturity of others not realizing the sheer ridiculousness of causing drama for a grieving mother. Now, is there an undercurrent in that statement? Maybe. ;) . However, I hope this part is clear...it's almost Ramadan and I hope to work hard at forgiveness and focusing on positivity. As in, I am positively certain that there is no amount of shampoo that will make Zakaria's car seat look clean.