This July 4th feels a bit odd to say the least. Realizing that I am not quite sure what we are celebrating this July 4th is on my mind. That, in addition to wondering how in the world we thought it was safe to hold Roman candles in our backyard in Topeka, Kansas.
My Spotify just started playing "What I Got" by Sublime. "Love is...what I got." I have been paying more attention to lyrics and man, this is golden. I also have been stopping by the house more lately and I had no idea that the sight of a new water heater could bring me to tears. That being said, it was thinking about my day yesterday that probably brought on those familiar drops on my face.
When a beautiful friend texted me a picture of her donating platelets with the caption, "for your birthday", it stopped me in my tracks. Knowing that my Hadi is the inspiration for a busy working mother of four to take the time out to help save someone's life is an incredible feeling. The text stopped me in my tracks as I was purchasing items for the house. Definitely necessary items, like a Mickey Mouse mug and a watering can that had the word "nourish" on it. I stared at that watering can and thought about what nourishes me. Nature nourishes me; being by the neighborhood waterfall reminding myself of how Miss Meghan used to take the boys out on walks to that waterfall...that nourishes me. Going on a walk with beautiful souls by that waterfall nourished me. Hearing that they actually read my blog was an added bonus. Telling them about how Zakaria straight up told me he doesn't want to hear anymore updates about the house, he just wants to be back in the house made me smile.
Also, yesterday, while reading a friend's story of her resiliency after being pinned underneath a car made me pause. The woman is incredible in many ways but her smile is so pure and full of noor (light), it reminded me of how it was still on her face when I visited her in the hospital. We discussed it yesterday and she mentioned that she was surprised to see me that day because she thought it would be hard for me to be in a hospital. I do definitely still have triggers when visiting a hospital but there are other less obvious things that are pretty tough. I was looking at the stuff in the garage yesterday and I came across the boys' bathroom mirror and the toothpaste holder I had attached to it. It was supposed to be more sanitary somehow and I remember Hadi being sad he never really got to try it. A toothpaste holder, that is what my beautiful child missed while at NIH. That, and our new kitchen table.
Anyway, back to tearing up at the new water heater. I am so grateful to be in this lovely apartment but I can't deny that I am looking forward to being back to using my own shower. As I went upstairs and stood in the closet that I ran into on August 26th to shockingly find one side completely empty, there was the familiar sense of, WTF, mate? Then my thoughts went to...hm, where should I put my armoire? I did order an armoire, right? Wow, there are a lot of boxes to open downstairs. I also thought about how I was pretty much incoherent to my parents when I called them to explain that Zakaria's father had suddenly moved out. See, I am a pretty fast talker and then you add on hysteria and let's just say, I had to hang up on my parents and I was grateful my championship debate brother answered when I called him next and understood me.
Back to yesterday, I then got in my car and opened up the mail. There was a notification letter that someone had donated to the Hadi Abdur Rasheed Research Fund. My lovely Kensington, Maryland friend who loves the Jayhawks even though she has no real connection to them. The one who went out of her way to bring me true Cadbury while I was at NIH. The one who is responsible for Zakaria playing banjo. As I yet asked myself why I don't have tissues in my car and started driving, "Carry on my Wayward Son" came on the radio. Coincidence? Nah.
Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you
What's your favorite lyric?
It's not lost on me that Spotify is playing "Blackbid" as I finish this post up .
Also, my lovely readers, sign up for the March for Marrow and join Team Watience if you haven't! It is virtual, there are prizes and it supports aplastic anemia.