Zakaria is playing a video game on my phones with some of his friends and I am not sure how to feel as I hear him yell out, "Don't kill Cupcake!" When my boys were born, I was pretty adamant that they would not watch too much television or play video games. Well, then aplastic anemia happened and now Covid-19. The Mario Kart theme song is embedded in my head. I justify Zakaria having far too much screen time by the fact that he is at least connecting with people and so maybe, just maybe he will stop asking me to produce a sibling for him.
I am attempting to get some work done while he is playing his game but I find myself listening to Mario Chalmers talk about the 2008 Jayhawks win (I swear I am not living in the past). As I sit and work from home and realize the dark chocolate peanut butter that I "made" at Harris Teeter is quite tasty with Wheat Thins, I can admit how privileged I truly am. I do kind of wonder what should I do to make this down time be as beneficial as possible for me. All of this time on my hands has had my mind go to places that make me go hmmm. Triggers continue to come out of nowhere and realizing that I actually do know what some of the medical terminology being thrown at during this pandemic there quite honestly...sucks. What's his PEEP at? FUCK. Sorry, it's Jummah and I am not a curser but thinking about the ICU and the questions I asked about Hadi on a hourly basis just flooded into my mind. I know I am not the only one who finds it tough thinking about those facing this beast on their own and those being buried without the proper procedures.
Continuing to hear that this whole situation isn't normal and we need to be kind to ourselves and our mental health has helped in many ways but it also reminds me of how the last few years of my life are far from normal. Yes, you all have joined my ride of expressing my vulnerability and confusion and I am forever grateful for that and also for learning from all of you and allowing me to hear about your perseverance through hardships. I would love to hear how you are keeping your heart light during this time. Who knows what life will look like in a few months (I guess all my lessons to Zakaria about firm shakes might be for naught)but I will say this...Hadi could rock a mask better than anyone I know..but I could rock one as well.