You know what is exhausting but extremely healing when it comes to grieving? Realizing why you react to situations in a certain way. I have been wondering why I didn't tap into my creative side earlier or why I find it hard to really let compliments in. Second grade, I distinctly remember my teacher berating me for making the center of the paper flower cut out green, that was apparently the worst thing to do. I also remember a third grade teacher making fun of my stick figure drawings in front of the whole class. Well, ya know what? Zakaria and I sat next to each other yesterday painting, and he said, "Now remember Mommy, there are no mistakes in art." We so don't give children enough credit for their wisdom, like my beautiful Leena who hugged me tight when she knew I needed it and when I said, "He was such a good kid," she responded calmly with "Not was, is." After painting, Zakaria and I played Uno and he calmly said, "That is the first time I have won without cheating." He also looked up at the ceiling at thanked Hadi whenever he would draw a card that would jeopardize me winning. I am continuing to realize that it is extremely difficult for me to just sit and relax. I believe I have to always be "productive" because if I am not, I have to face those annoying thoughts like, why the heck are the birds not eating the suet? (I am looking outside the window as I type this). Just kidding, my thoughts more go from thinking that I was not the champion debater like my brothers to wondering what in the world the next few years will be like for me. Then I think that, through this journey, Hadi taught me to give myself more credit and maybe, just maybe in the next few years, I will be kinder to myself and believe the following words: "As a mother, you were an example of strength and resiliency and badassery."
Oh, and the catalyst for this post was me realizing that I very well could just chill and watch Pride and Prejudice but instead, I decided to update the Chocolate, Coffee and Travel page of the website. Please check it out.
Now off to put out some tastier birdseed.